It takes courage to do the hard things. To face the parts of you that you don’t want to face. To look deep within you heart and soul and ask the tough questions. To hold the mirror to yourself and your life and honestly evaluate what you see. To be your own critic. To play devil’s advocate to yourself. I’m cringing as I speak (type, whatever).
It’s easier to lie. It’s easier to run. It’s easier to live in a hand-crafted fantasy in which everything, including you, is perfect. And if it isn’t, it’s any- and everybody else’s fault. It’s easier to ignore reality, to just medicate (with your drug of choice) to numb the pain that is killing you. Because feeling the pain means acknowledging that something is wrong. And if something’s wrong, that means admitting that something
may will have to change. And who’s responsibility might that be?
Now I’d be foolish not to acknowledge that many things in life occur that are no fault of our own. However, a lot of things are as well. But regardless of where the fault lies, when we look at our present state, we have only 2 choices: as cliche as it may sound, we can either be a victim or we can man/woman up and take control of our lives. Often we don’t need to hear new information; we just need to apply the knowledge we already have.
For a long time, I lived as a victim. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the effects of the trauma I experienced have been far-reaching. Though outwardly I would appear to have it all together (as an independent, single, soon-to-be-graduate student who pays her OWN bills), I am FAR from perfect. From my thoughts, to my emotions, to my struggling relationships, to my limited and quite awkward social interactions, I can still see the residual effects of my past on my life. Not to mention, I’ve also contributed quite a share of my own foolish behaviors and decisions as well.
Now, at 23, I feel as though I’ve come to a standstill. Though I feel that I have many positive qualities and unlimited potential, I feel that these personal challenges are hindering me. It’s hard to move forward while holding onto so much baggage. I dream of being an educated, successful, individual who adds value to the world. But it’s hard when I don’t even recognize my own value. I long to be a whole partner to my future husband. But it’s hard when I’m still broken. I refuse to be anything less than a present, loving, stable parent to my one-day children. But how can I do that when I can’t even reconcile my own childhood?
Most of my life, I blamed everything and everyone else. “I’m this way because this happened to me.” “I don’t know why they don’t like me…I’m great…THEY have the problem.” I was so focused on what happened TO me in life that I consciously (yes, consciously) blinded myself to the lessons I needed to learn ABOUT me. Pride really is a KILLER. And now, I can honestly say that this mindset has gotten me NOWHERE…nowhere good, that is.
So, from this point forward, I’m doing the HARD things. I’m asking the tough questions. I’m taking the mask off. I’m getting vulnerable. I’m getting raw. I’m getting real…with ME. I’m going to do the self-evaluation, reflection, and make the changes needed to become that healthy, whole woman that I dream of being. That the world needs me to be.
I’m going to take a journey that few dare to take, the journey of intentional change. The journey of self-discovery, self-love, and healing that I’ve been putting off for way too long. And while I know it will be accompanied by the loneliness, pain, and discomfort that doing the hard things brings, it can’t compare to the loneliness, pain, and discomfort, of remaining where I am.
If you wish, follow me as I share my journey. And if you dare, step forward into your own. Life is waiting. 🙂