As I get back to my grandma’s house after Thanksgiving dinner, I figure this is a good time to write a thought that came to mind as I was getting ready this morning. I started thinking about an unexpected (and unwanted) phone call that I got the other day from someone in my not-too-distant past. It’s not the first time it’s happened. It’s always random, out of the blue. And it always results in NOTHING. After the brief 5-minute conversation, with him suggesting we need to see each other (but not directly asking or making a plan, though I’m glad he didn’t), I found myself wondering what would happen next. Would he call again? Was he trying to open the door that I assumed was closed? Or was he, as usual, BORED and using this moment to call just to see if I would answer. Conveniently pulling me out of his back pocket with no intention whatsoever. Throwing out the bait just to see if I would still bite. After thinking about it, I’ve reasoned that it’s the latter. While I have no desire to go down that route, I still found myself wondering. Waiting for another call or text. Wondering what possessed him to reach out even though I already knew the answer.
This probably wouldn’t have been so strange if it hadn’t come on the heels of me running into (well more like having to see) another person of interest from my not-too-distant past a few days prior. Now unlike Random #1, I actually did develop feelings for this guy. Though our “situationship” was short-lived, I still find myself dealing with the battle inside that makes me go from “F him” to “I miss him.” From anticipating his presence to feeling foolish for even getting my hopes up. Things ended on “uncertain” terms. Basically, he was “uncertain” about what he wanted and I was CERTAIN that I was only an option to him. Therefore, I conveniently blocked his number and deleted it so that I could make things SURE for both of us. 🙂 But as bold as that sounds, it took me a long time to do this. I cried, I prayed, and I talked my friends in circles before I had the courage to do it. And even though I have, I still find myself agonizing at times about whether I made the right decision. Though some may argue otherwise, when it comes to those I care about, I can be quite patient and often too understanding, even when there’s nothing to be understood.
So, in the case of Random #1, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ll wait a few days, I said. I’ll see what happens. Then I came across this quote on social media. I don’t even remember what it said, but at that moment, I made up my mind. Instead of waiting to see if he would call, instead of emotionally exhausting myself waiting to see what his intentions (let’s face it, NON-intentions) were, I took my power back into my own hands. And just like that…I blocked his number. I never knew something could feel so liberating. I can only hope he doesn’t try to hit me up from his other number. (Side Note: What TRUSTWORTHY grown man has two PERSONAL cell phones? And KEEPS paying for both? I know there are exceptions but I doubt they apply here.) Anyway, but even if he does, I’ll block THAT one too. I know it may not seem like a big deal to many, but for me, it’s monumental. Instead of taking months, it barely took me 24 hours to close the door to what could’ve been another fruitless emotional roller coaster. I am finding beauty in the word NO. I am learning to set boundaries. I am learning not only to KNOW my worth, but I am learning to LIVE it. Even it that means that those who failed to recognize it before will no longer be present to see it on display.
***Disclaimer: Though I used the term “random” in my post to refer to guys, I do not truly believe in calling guys (or anyone) “randoms.” I believe that no soul is random; we were all fearfully and wonderfully AND INTENTIONALLY made by God, and we ALL have a purpose. Regardless of whether a person is a sinner or saint, no matter what stage they are at in life, each person is significant and loved by Him. Even if their purpose is fulfilled in YOUR life, they still matter to HIM. I simply use “Random” as an easy way to refer to some guys because it’s easier to say than explaining who someone is. If I offend you, forgive me. ❤️***